People are starting to ask me that dreaded question. It was bound to come sooner or later. The question that you cannot avoid once you get married: "So when will you have a baby?". The quick answer that I give them is "I am not sure, when we feel ready", and I hope that it is not followed by a series of more questions. The long answer is "I'm not sure if I even want a baby", but I refrain from that answer to avoid this: "But you do not know, it is so worth it once you are holding that little baby in your arms".
Here is what I think when I think about a baby of my own: First comes my body expanding, large tummy, swollen ankles, fat face, and a big behind. 9 months of discomfort such as frequent puking, followed by the most excruciating pain one will ever experience in their life, and having strangers stick their heads into my privates and pulling out things such as the "mucus plug". Then comes the sleepless nights one after the other which results in tiresome days. Lets not forget about the fact that a person will be sucking fluid out of my breasts, leaving them saggy and unshapely. Then there is the few years of my association with poop, the smell, the shape and the different ways of cleaning it, and it is not my own!
My house as I know it will not exist any longer, the beautiful white couches, the glass table, the fabulous decorations will be no more. They will have to be replaced with baby furniture, ugly colorful things with wheels and pictures of animals. Elegance will have to take its leave and make room for germs and mess, things I can not stand. There will be toys every where, covered with spit!
My daily activities will include feeding, changing, watching cartoons and putting the baby down for naps in order to be able to take a shower, and possibly shave! If I am lucky I will lose the fat that came with the experience, but I will not have the time to take care of myself in any way, shape or form in which I used to. So I will be an ugly fat person covered in spit and poop. I will have to quit my job which will take away from my confidence, happiness and income. My only association with another adult human being will be through the television or other moms in the playground. Which brings me to the next change: The topics of my conversations will change. From the latest shoe styles to different types of diapers, from discussing the last episode of Sex & the City to why Barney is better than Sponge Bob Square Pants, and from what is going on in politics to what type of bib works best.
There will be no more going out at night with friends to restaurants and clubs with out worrying and having a time limit. There will be no more taking off and going to the gym as I please. There will be no more relaxing vacations for two or with a group of friends. There will be no more easy simple tasks such as going to a restaurant with out being in the receiving end of glares and dirty looks. There will be no more going out for drinks after work with coworkers. Shopping, coffee trips, bookstores, beach, pool, every thing will be jeopardized. No more freedom, no more peace, no more comfort. I will have to plan, schedule and prepare up to one week in advance for any activity, I will have to start getting ready 3 hours prior to going out. I will have to lug a stroller, diaper bag, toys and other things with me to any place I go. My group of friends will have to change to ones who have children as well in older to tolerate each other.
I will turn into a mini van driving chauffeur who takes a little person to every ridiculous class there is in order to give him the opportunity to chose, and confuse him more. Life as I know it will end and I will never, ever have the stress free life which I have now. The baby will drain my energy, my patience and my bank account.
Lets not forget that when the baby becomes an adolescent he will hate me for I will be a stupid old hag who embarrasses him. This will be followed by him leaving me as he grows up to only return for monthly visits by obligation.
Now they tell me when you look into your baby's eyes, when your baby smiles at you, when he falls asleep on your chest, then it makes it all worth while. They tell me that you will not care about the things you care about now when you have your baby. I have a hard time believing that and believe that this is yet another trick. This is what they tell you to reel you in and throw you down the same mess that they have been thrown in. It is very similar to when they never tell you the truth about hardships of marriage before you get married and they uncover it after you have jumped. It is all a trick, it is a scheme and I cannot fall for it. I refuse to believe that my life will be any less satisfying, meaningful, rewarding and fun with out kids. At least at this time in my life, I am so happy and grateful for my good night sleep, the peace of mind to sit here and write in my blog, and the option of buying a ticket and going to Vegas for the holidays with out having to give it a second thought!