I like to think of myself as a good friend; some one who is loyal, giving and kind. Overall, I like to think of myself as a nice person. But (yes, but), as I was thinking about myself the other day as I do often, it being my favorite subject, I came to a harsh realization which struck me as somewhat surprising. For a person who claims to be, and is told by others that she is, a "decent person"and a "good friend", I seem to have the ability to abruptly cast friends aside, completely cutting them off from my life. The more disturbing part is that I am able to do that with out remorse, regret or guilt. I have committed this act not just once, twice, or three times, but four times. So unfortunately I cannot claim temporary insanity and have to accept that this is part of my, dare I say, Personality. Lets look at how they unfolded.
The story of M.
M and I did not start out very close, actually I did not quite like her very much (as I often feel that way toward most new people I meet). But slowly our relationship grew into a very close and deep friendship. M became one of my best friends and I ended up loving her like a sister.
M was a few years older than me, she was the "cool" and hip girl who lived alone and had "cool" and hip friends. She took me to awesome parties thrown by the "cool" friends with her, she introduced me to a little thing called "pot" (although she never succeeded at teaching me how to inhale). I smoked cigarettes with her, experienced my first severe alcohol intoxication with her, I used her ID to get into bars and clubs, and I stayed out late at nigh with her. I was a free bird with M, able to do all that was forbidden. She was fun, funny, exciting and super "cool"!
One day as I was on my way to work in the mall I decided that I cannot be friends with M any longer (due to a certain incident). I simply took the long way to work in order to avoid seeing her through the window of the store she worked at. That was it, it was over.
Later I would see M around town, however I never felt sad and I did not miss her, as if she was not my M any more. My M had left with the end of our friendship and the new M was an entirely new and different person.
And the story of N.
N and I met in high school. We immediately clicked and became best friends. We were inseparable and spent every free minute with each other. We called one another upon arrival at home every day after school, even though we had spent the entire day together. We had so much to talk about and laugh about that all day every day was not enough!
N and I shared every thing with each other. We had a great amount of fun together and created many sweet memories with one another. We experienced many of our "firsts" together (first car, first job, first date, etc.) as we were young and new to life.
N and I continued to be friends in college until SHE cut ME off of her friendship (due to yet again another "incident"). I was hurt and angry, yet did not try to fix what was broken. We were never able to save our friendship and I was ok with that.
Years later when N came to me and asked for us to be friends again, I was not able to go back. That friendship had died to me and the N that was sitting across the table from me, talking to me after years of separation, was not my N any more. My N, the one I loved and trusted was gone and this was a stranger.
Then the story of P.
P and I met when we were both in high school through family. We kept in touch through out the years and I considered her a "friend". Although the rest of my friends were not fond of P due to her arrogance and somewhat rudeness, I digged her. She was fun to be around, she made me laugh. So I did not mind the picking her up, dropping her off, and going around her schedule.
Yes, you guessed it, an Incident! I never contacted P again, with out any confrontation, with out any explanation.
After one year P contacted me but was unable to reach me (since I never returned her call). I was offended and hurt, I was done.
And finally the story of sweet G.
G and I met in college and after a while became very close. G and I have been through a lot together, a lot of ups and downs, highs and lows, lefts and rights, I think you get the point. G and I got each other and were always on the same page. But most importantly, I could always count on G to be there for me no matter what. From picking me up at home early in the morning in order to drop me off at my Physiology Final because I was still too drunk from the night before to drive (I failed that test), to always being by my side to console me after yet another break up with the same guy.
After I felt hurt by G, that friendship ended as well. However, G is one of those people who never truly leave your life, because the bond was too strong to be broken, yet not strong enough to keep you tight. G is like family, you can never divorce them.
G and I are still in each other's lives, but the friendship and the closeness that we had is dead and will never become alive again.
So there it is, 4 stories of how I ended friendships on the spot, in my heart and with out feeling remorse or guilt. Maybe this is a coping mechanism for me to deal with loss, who knows.
But I cannot help but wonder, how stable are my relationships? If I am able to drop people from my life like 3rd period French, what does that say about me and my "good friend" status? Well my theory is that I make every effort, use all my energy, give all I have, forgive, forget, and love to the max until there is no more room for forgiveness or acceptance. It takes one final push and I am over the edge, I am done, finished and out, never to come back again.